The Practice of No-Practice

For a long time, my practice has been a manifestation of discipline. Only when I was balanced, strong, patient, kind -- all of which was enhanced by a regular meditation practice -- only then did I imagine I was following the right path. When my heart is attuned and my mind spacious, I carry a stronger sense of connectedness, I can be more mindful of my true nature.

What a terrible judgement that was! How unhappy I became when I couldn't be balanced, when I wasn't strong, when I acted impatiently or selfishly. As I understood it, the path of spiritual discipline is like taming an unruly child and only when the child was behaving could I be proud of my work.

These past two years I have moved out of that comfort zone as my graduate (and married) life demands more of my time and energy. I can no longer maintain the constant discipline required to keep my child extra well-behaved. Often I feel less connected, less grounded. I am trying to create a more constant, subliminal sense of spiritual connectedness as I hustle through the city.

Do not misunderstand me. I do not totally enjoy or condone this lifestyle, but I am finding lessons nonetheless. Discipline has advantages to be sure, but without it I am learning not to judge my daily experiences. Rather I'm intimately sensing the contours of my own spiritual path, every moment of every day, good, bad, everywhere in between.

When I surrendered myself to this work (the mystic life, marriage, graduate school, simply living) it came from a deeply spiritual place. Now it feels like everything I encounter reveals the divine through me, and every action is worthy of dedicating back to that source. More and more my own understanding seems like an insufficient whisper, a mere distraction from the ever-present stream of revelations.

I act and interact from a fundamental impulse, like water falling downhill, or fire consuming a tree. It doesn't mater whether I am the water, the fire, or the tree. When I live according to this nature, there is great peace.