in clarification

Someone very special asked me recently what difference there is between Aaron before coming to Peru and Aaron as he is today.

One way of looking at it would be to say that I have seen (with startling clarity and baffling simplicity) the emptiness of my own mind, and that from this experience I have discovered a freedom that I have never known before. Freedom from the obsessive tendency to perfect my own self, to complusively seek states of quietism or bliss as band-aids for my own raging sorrow and inadequacy. Perhaps those words are too shocking, but what else do you think lies in the darkest depths of our wounded child-self? I spent years creating thick layers of ego-insulation to protect myself from this very confrontation. How many ways do we invent to shield or distract ourselves?

I am not saying that these past four years have been a waste, or that all this ardent spiritual practice has been meaningless. Quite the contrary, it´s been a careful process of self-transformation. The most essential and brilliant aspect of the bodhisattva vow is that it grounds the aspiration of personal awakening in the selfless intention of helping others to achieve their own liberation. When true selflessness arises, personal liberation is meaningless. Buddha said it´s like a bridge or a boat. You don´t take it with you once you cross.

Putting aside the Buddhist philosophy, it´s as if I have stepped off the ground I know and into thin air. I no longer feel the pressing need to pursue deeper and more powerful kinds of mystic knowledge. It´s a 180 degree turn from pulling apart the subtle elements of my mind and experience to embracing life and offering my presence for whatever small measure it´s worth. I have reached a moment where practice no longer satisfies me, because I am not lacking in satisfaction. What comes next, and really has been quietly developing for some time, is a shift in perspective that connects all the wisdom and experiential clarity of meditation into a form of daily presence. From the insulated world of my own ego, I move out into a meditation within the interconnected energy space that I share with all people and all things. That´s what I´ve been practicing for all along, that´s my new edge and calling.

The quiet whisper I heard came when I realized that I was ready to be healed, be whole, just be. I am balanced, healthy, and bright. I am young and eager. I have great passion that can be used for healing or creative growth. I have strong faith in the goodness of life. I can see the deep goodness in all people, and help them see and connect with it in themselves. I do not particularly care for cosmic bliss. It´s just another sensation, they come and go like oceans waves. I no longer obsess about transcendant realization. Being human is enough for me.

I have never felt this clear, this peaceful or content. This is not the kind of awakening that adds to my experience, this is non-attainment in action. So all my fellow travellers, those of you who know me in this life and read this blog, be quite sure and happy that you are alive! It sounds a bit stupid but oh! how simple and miraculous! I am happy that we know each other, you have all in some way contributed to this moment for me. I thank you most joyfully.

leaving Krishnopolis

Passionately seeking the divine, wanting experiences of light and emptiness, courting a transformative alliance with the kundalini energy, I have been driven for several years now by a strange compulsion to embody something greater than my own sorry self.

I have embraced a ferocious discipline and spiritual asceticism, have gone through periods of almost militant practice routines, have pushed myself through resistance, through injury, through despair and isolation.

I have slowly learned to allow gentleness and love to creep into my practice. I have been shown the true healing potential of yoga and meditation, but for some bizarre reason have stubbornly refused to allow myself to enjoy the grace and acceptance of unconditional divine love. I have been ashamed of my all too human nature.

I have sought to pull back the curtain that veils my eye, to tap forcefully the currents of transcendant energy from which we all originate, to justify my fear of mortality through escape of the confines of my individual self. I wagered that as long as I could, in fact, make it out, then my fear would finally be irrelevant.

I have desperately craved a return to moments of blissful meditation, rapture, and pure mental absorption, equal to or beyond the experiences I have already been given. I have prioritized only one goal - to curate a trove of spiritual materialism.

And now, I have given up.

I have let go of this notion that attainment will lead to perfection. I have seen that transcendence is essentially empty to a spiritual being who has chosen a human experience. I looked into that abyss, and saw eagerly and with some bafflement that I was ready to be healed, be whole, just be.

Even though the wound is unfamiliar, the compulsion to escape into practice is one I know well. What exactly am I practicing for?

It´s like this: the Sanskrit word for illusion, maya, literally means ¨not that.¨ It´s a realization born out of confrontation with the nature of one´s own mind, a realization that all elements of human experience (mind, thoughts, sensations, ego identity, etc etc) cannot be identified as abolute truth. I have seen the blade cut itself, have pierced the veil most unexpectedly.

All that´s left now is to live the fullest, most compassionte life of service, love, surrender, and joy.

It came to me like a whisper. I see it now as an awakening.

I flow from here into the complete unknown.