leaving Krishnopolis

Passionately seeking the divine, wanting experiences of light and emptiness, courting a transformative alliance with the kundalini energy, I have been driven for several years now by a strange compulsion to embody something greater than my own sorry self.

I have embraced a ferocious discipline and spiritual asceticism, have gone through periods of almost militant practice routines, have pushed myself through resistance, through injury, through despair and isolation.

I have slowly learned to allow gentleness and love to creep into my practice. I have been shown the true healing potential of yoga and meditation, but for some bizarre reason have stubbornly refused to allow myself to enjoy the grace and acceptance of unconditional divine love. I have been ashamed of my all too human nature.

I have sought to pull back the curtain that veils my eye, to tap forcefully the currents of transcendant energy from which we all originate, to justify my fear of mortality through escape of the confines of my individual self. I wagered that as long as I could, in fact, make it out, then my fear would finally be irrelevant.

I have desperately craved a return to moments of blissful meditation, rapture, and pure mental absorption, equal to or beyond the experiences I have already been given. I have prioritized only one goal - to curate a trove of spiritual materialism.

And now, I have given up.

I have let go of this notion that attainment will lead to perfection. I have seen that transcendence is essentially empty to a spiritual being who has chosen a human experience. I looked into that abyss, and saw eagerly and with some bafflement that I was ready to be healed, be whole, just be.

Even though the wound is unfamiliar, the compulsion to escape into practice is one I know well. What exactly am I practicing for?

It´s like this: the Sanskrit word for illusion, maya, literally means ¨not that.¨ It´s a realization born out of confrontation with the nature of one´s own mind, a realization that all elements of human experience (mind, thoughts, sensations, ego identity, etc etc) cannot be identified as abolute truth. I have seen the blade cut itself, have pierced the veil most unexpectedly.

All that´s left now is to live the fullest, most compassionte life of service, love, surrender, and joy.

It came to me like a whisper. I see it now as an awakening.

I flow from here into the complete unknown.