Discipline is starting to fade into the softest and happiest resignation I've ever known. It's probably just a phase, not too much to worry about. Right now the edge of loneliness feels tempered, desire relaxed into focused application, stress and failure synonyms for urges I've long forgotten.
It's like I'm wandering slowly within the vast space between one meditation and the next. Slowly exploring the rooms of a huge mansion, I'm alone and quiet in the echo chamber of my mind. I've been reminded lately that I can't fully see or understand the changes that are happening in me as a result of this urban asceticism. At the crossroads, I marvel at the shapes which the flower may take. I sense the density of possible form in the blossoming petals.
I'm reading St Theresa right now, a gift from a kindred of faith. She (Theresa) talks about the favors of spiritual sweetness compared to periods of aridity. I like that term, aridity. It reminds me of being stuck in the desert and wringing moisture from the stones. The spiritual life can feel like that sometimes, and if you are bothered by the absence of sweetness then you are missing the whole point!!
Coming to terms with that in my practice directly parallels the loneliness which so often beats my heart into unrest. Go deep enough and the wellsprings of love (just as the company of loved ones) are simply manifestations of a deeper communion we are holding with Truth.
Stay focused on that, my dear one. Many miles to go and no end in sight.
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