notes on going back to the city

Coming back from the wilderness (degrees of spiritual practice, usually a retreat or period of intense spiritual growth), I am always starkly aware of the changes in my perception. Every familiar aspect of my life has intensely vibrant and emotional qualities, every sensation holds a wealth of shocking delight, and overall everything which once seemed so casual and normal reveals itself as precious, rare, blessed.

Inevitably that awareness begins to fade; below are a few qualities of that awareness that I carefully observed during my recent transition back to a more mundane self.

1. The effortless singing of praise - Upon returning from the wilderness I readily and frequently slip into spontaneous prayers of joy and gratitude. These moments are more than mere reflection, they seize my body with an evanescent sparkling as my heart swings wide open. I sense the raw beauty of being alive, the uniqueness of this moment, the sheer miracle of my attendance. It happens easily and without effort; when I first roll out of bed, when I sit down to a meal, when I walk outside and breath in the morning, again and again throughout my day.

As the tangle begins to thicken, I have difficulty settling down into these moments. They seem to happen less spontaneously, they take more concentration to enter, and the sensations are generally dulled, or notably less rapturous.

2. The luxurious pace of mindfulness - I begin to speed up. It affects my thoughts, my actions, and the sequence of events in my day. I start to move with haste from one task to another without properly breathing into the spaces, or appreciating the gentle course of time. Accordingly I commit myself to a task without a thorough sense of awareness, of body, breath, or mind. I finish before I begin, I eat without satisfaction, I sleep without rest.

3. The steady elephant's mind - As I speed up, I must wrestle with my busy mind to focus my awareness. The thought of mindfulness will arise, but it takes a greater effort ("how tiresome is so-called concentration") to open that thought into the actual presence, the simple being and appreciation of this moment. I abhor wrestling with the mind, but without effort I merely drift along in a sea of numbness. I search for a balance; I make efforts without a sense of control; I accept the drift; I know very little and strive for less.

4. Sensations of earthly delight - I am still aware of my sensations, but they have a new kind of distance or flatness. No longer does a simple shower spontaneously become a rapturous ritual of cleansing and thanks. I may think of it briefly, my mind may tentatively reach out and try to open to the host of sensations, but the sparkle is gone. Clear mind, clear mind, clear mind, only don't know. Somewhere a thought echoes that I have lost, am lost, or losing my grip on mindfulness. Clear mind, clear mind, embrace the practice which is mindful of a lack of mindfulness.