whatever rouses you to love

Today I was lucky enough to rescue a very loved friend from reaching my voicemail. Maybe it was more than she bargained for, but it made me very happy to hear her voice. And it also comforted me to know that her own practice is deepening, opening, and sustaining her. She reminded me of the value of spiritual community, and how isolating it can be to practice alone.

She also gave me a wonderful pointing out, which I have heard before, heaven knows, and even tell myself occasionally, but which nevertheless I often need to hear. Be gentle with yourself, or maybe, don't struggle with struggle. I acquiesced to her wisdom with thanks (it does seem to be a theme lately) but also made a point of mentioning, perhaps for the benefit of my ego, that there are powerful transformations that can arise from individual effort.

Now, I recognize fully how deep the roots of my low self-esteem reach, by which I mean that in some ways all this yoga, all this meditation and martial arts training is nothing more than a way to become someone that I will think more highly of. I might even say that in some ways my striving to become "better" is my sole sense of personal value. And even then I suffer, because what good does my "better" do for my neighbors and friends? How do I contribute any good works to this social snafu? How can something selfless arise from so much self-interest?

I embrace these questions, and I trust that they will guide me into my next adventure after I finish working here. At the same time, I find that there is a place where accomplishment (or skillful action) can blend into egolessness without any contradiction. I see this primarily arising out of the recognition that there is nothing I can accomplish or perform that arises only from my own efforts. Take a master of yoga for instance. She did not invent the asanas but learned them from her own teacher. She did not design her body but uses it anyway. A writer is taught to use words but cannot take credit for the language. So creative acts cannot be owned fully, at least not without recognizing how much was given in order for that act to occur. If we begin with this humility then all "accomplishments" are ultimately rooted in selflessness. I also think of this as counting your blessings, which by itself can be a powerful act of opening.

Making use of our raw talent, becoming instruments of our art, acting skillfully and lovingly in the present moment, it all seems connected to that special Zen presence of spontaneity, naturalness, and ease. Simply step aside, it arises without effort or strain.