suffering softens the heart

I often play back and forth between two fundamentally different frameworks for my spiritual practice. One is atheistic (in that it doesn't require any concept of god to appreciate the sacredness of life). This one draws largely on a scientific humanism or maybe a transcendentalism rooted in nature, and is perfectly compatible with Buddhism, Taoism, and even certain kinds of mysticism.

The other is rooted, although not entirely focused on, a more personal notion of divinity (God, if you will, but let's not get carried away. I don't need all those extra roles as Judge, or Messiah, or whatever, Rumi's Beloved will do nicely.) I have made very little study of Christian, Jewish, or Islamic theology, so I don't feel that I have that much understanding of the different roles or faces of a monotheistic deity. But I do believe that taking that deity (and more specifically our relationship with God) as a core basis of spiritual practice eventually leads to a very different perspective on religious life.

Tonight I had a moment where it felt like suffering softened my heart. Not any kind of suffering, I guess, not ego suffering, or drama, or suffering from vanity or pride. Just simple hard-work, exhaustion, physical or emotional pain, that kind of suffering. Important to note that the suffering alone is not the key, it requires a certain kind of generous and patient mind to experience that suffering, to witness it and offer it up without self-importance or pride.

I understand that there is still a large degree of self-benefit that comes from my work, which means that it's not pure charity and I don't pretend it is. But in some of my jobs (like doing menial jobs for Leila or cleaning the yoga studio) I'm discovering a wonderful sense of delight in hard work that helps or benefits another. Especially with menial work, it feels like I am getting closer to serving, to offering something from an egoless place.

So I had a tremendously painful bit of indigestion after yoga, really extremely painful and way beyond normal. For two hours I am cleaning toilets, scrubbing showers, emptying trash and plagued with an extremely gnarly tummy ache. Also I am really exhausted because I didn't get much sleep this weekend. I've been working since 9am and spent most of the day cleaning out a very dusty and dirty basement and kitchen.

After I finish, I slowly walk to the bus stop and sit down on a bench. And I feel that all the work and pain have softened me up a bit, that's the only way I know how to put it. I've written lately about aridity, or about slowly losing the vibrant awareness of the sacredness of life. If that happens through some kind of closing off, then softening is the reverse, when we let it come back in. Although I'm still exhausted and uncomfortable, I feel a deep sense of nourishment and peace as I look at the sky.

It feels, and maybe this is only a poetic conceit or maybe not, but it feels as if god is sitting quietly next to me on the bench, just holding my hand, not saying much because really nothing needs to be said. And it's incredibly comforting, and it nourishes my heart (something like the presence of a best friend or lover, but different from both). And I feel like I am not so alone.

And now I'm crying uncontrollably, and I don't know why.