My Lord, please grant me constancy.
That I might suffer nobly the pains of my existence,
That I might bleed or cry or toss in anguish
With the same loving heart that reaches for you come morning.
That my pains, on the altar of my experience,
Be Yours, as this Heartbeat is Yours,
And this Breath, Yours,
And this loving, compassionate Impulse, Yours.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
A prayer for Urubamba
Whatever dark edges I have to cross today,
Places where I am lost or scared,
Tasks in which I feel unprepared or nervous,
People that challenge my love or trust,
I ask you, my Most Compassionate Guide,
to walk beside me and whisper in my ear,
as a reminder,
that success or skill are never your measures of my efforts.
And I will give to you, my Friend,
In helpless love and gratitude
the last breath that I take
to calm my racing heart,
right before I cross that next dark edge.
I will walk forward because you have called me,
though I cannot see how or why.
And I will offer myself willingly
As bait or birthday cake
for your intricate,
vast, and uplifting plan.
Places where I am lost or scared,
Tasks in which I feel unprepared or nervous,
People that challenge my love or trust,
I ask you, my Most Compassionate Guide,
to walk beside me and whisper in my ear,
as a reminder,
that success or skill are never your measures of my efforts.
And I will give to you, my Friend,
In helpless love and gratitude
the last breath that I take
to calm my racing heart,
right before I cross that next dark edge.
I will walk forward because you have called me,
though I cannot see how or why.
And I will offer myself willingly
As bait or birthday cake
for your intricate,
vast, and uplifting plan.
Friday, December 26, 2008
in clarification
Someone very special asked me recently what difference there is between Aaron before coming to Peru and Aaron as he is today.
One way of looking at it would be to say that I have seen (with startling clarity and baffling simplicity) the emptiness of my own mind, and that from this experience I have discovered a freedom that I have never known before. Freedom from the obsessive tendency to perfect my own self, to complusively seek states of quietism or bliss as band-aids for my own raging sorrow and inadequacy. Perhaps those words are too shocking, but what else do you think lies in the darkest depths of our wounded child-self? I spent years creating thick layers of ego-insulation to protect myself from this very confrontation. How many ways do we invent to shield or distract ourselves?
I am not saying that these past four years have been a waste, or that all this ardent spiritual practice has been meaningless. Quite the contrary, it´s been a careful process of self-transformation. The most essential and brilliant aspect of the bodhisattva vow is that it grounds the aspiration of personal awakening in the selfless intention of helping others to achieve their own liberation. When true selflessness arises, personal liberation is meaningless. Buddha said it´s like a bridge or a boat. You don´t take it with you once you cross.
Putting aside the Buddhist philosophy, it´s as if I have stepped off the ground I know and into thin air. I no longer feel the pressing need to pursue deeper and more powerful kinds of mystic knowledge. It´s a 180 degree turn from pulling apart the subtle elements of my mind and experience to embracing life and offering my presence for whatever small measure it´s worth. I have reached a moment where practice no longer satisfies me, because I am not lacking in satisfaction. What comes next, and really has been quietly developing for some time, is a shift in perspective that connects all the wisdom and experiential clarity of meditation into a form of daily presence. From the insulated world of my own ego, I move out into a meditation within the interconnected energy space that I share with all people and all things. That´s what I´ve been practicing for all along, that´s my new edge and calling.
The quiet whisper I heard came when I realized that I was ready to be healed, be whole, just be. I am balanced, healthy, and bright. I am young and eager. I have great passion that can be used for healing or creative growth. I have strong faith in the goodness of life. I can see the deep goodness in all people, and help them see and connect with it in themselves. I do not particularly care for cosmic bliss. It´s just another sensation, they come and go like oceans waves. I no longer obsess about transcendant realization. Being human is enough for me.
I have never felt this clear, this peaceful or content. This is not the kind of awakening that adds to my experience, this is non-attainment in action. So all my fellow travellers, those of you who know me in this life and read this blog, be quite sure and happy that you are alive! It sounds a bit stupid but oh! how simple and miraculous! I am happy that we know each other, you have all in some way contributed to this moment for me. I thank you most joyfully.
One way of looking at it would be to say that I have seen (with startling clarity and baffling simplicity) the emptiness of my own mind, and that from this experience I have discovered a freedom that I have never known before. Freedom from the obsessive tendency to perfect my own self, to complusively seek states of quietism or bliss as band-aids for my own raging sorrow and inadequacy. Perhaps those words are too shocking, but what else do you think lies in the darkest depths of our wounded child-self? I spent years creating thick layers of ego-insulation to protect myself from this very confrontation. How many ways do we invent to shield or distract ourselves?
I am not saying that these past four years have been a waste, or that all this ardent spiritual practice has been meaningless. Quite the contrary, it´s been a careful process of self-transformation. The most essential and brilliant aspect of the bodhisattva vow is that it grounds the aspiration of personal awakening in the selfless intention of helping others to achieve their own liberation. When true selflessness arises, personal liberation is meaningless. Buddha said it´s like a bridge or a boat. You don´t take it with you once you cross.
Putting aside the Buddhist philosophy, it´s as if I have stepped off the ground I know and into thin air. I no longer feel the pressing need to pursue deeper and more powerful kinds of mystic knowledge. It´s a 180 degree turn from pulling apart the subtle elements of my mind and experience to embracing life and offering my presence for whatever small measure it´s worth. I have reached a moment where practice no longer satisfies me, because I am not lacking in satisfaction. What comes next, and really has been quietly developing for some time, is a shift in perspective that connects all the wisdom and experiential clarity of meditation into a form of daily presence. From the insulated world of my own ego, I move out into a meditation within the interconnected energy space that I share with all people and all things. That´s what I´ve been practicing for all along, that´s my new edge and calling.
The quiet whisper I heard came when I realized that I was ready to be healed, be whole, just be. I am balanced, healthy, and bright. I am young and eager. I have great passion that can be used for healing or creative growth. I have strong faith in the goodness of life. I can see the deep goodness in all people, and help them see and connect with it in themselves. I do not particularly care for cosmic bliss. It´s just another sensation, they come and go like oceans waves. I no longer obsess about transcendant realization. Being human is enough for me.
I have never felt this clear, this peaceful or content. This is not the kind of awakening that adds to my experience, this is non-attainment in action. So all my fellow travellers, those of you who know me in this life and read this blog, be quite sure and happy that you are alive! It sounds a bit stupid but oh! how simple and miraculous! I am happy that we know each other, you have all in some way contributed to this moment for me. I thank you most joyfully.
Friday, December 19, 2008
leaving Krishnopolis
Passionately seeking the divine, wanting experiences of light and emptiness, courting a transformative alliance with the kundalini energy, I have been driven for several years now by a strange compulsion to embody something greater than my own sorry self.
I have embraced a ferocious discipline and spiritual asceticism, have gone through periods of almost militant practice routines, have pushed myself through resistance, through injury, through despair and isolation.
I have slowly learned to allow gentleness and love to creep into my practice. I have been shown the true healing potential of yoga and meditation, but for some bizarre reason have stubbornly refused to allow myself to enjoy the grace and acceptance of unconditional divine love. I have been ashamed of my all too human nature.
I have sought to pull back the curtain that veils my eye, to tap forcefully the currents of transcendant energy from which we all originate, to justify my fear of mortality through escape of the confines of my individual self. I wagered that as long as I could, in fact, make it out, then my fear would finally be irrelevant.
I have desperately craved a return to moments of blissful meditation, rapture, and pure mental absorption, equal to or beyond the experiences I have already been given. I have prioritized only one goal - to curate a trove of spiritual materialism.
And now, I have given up.
I have let go of this notion that attainment will lead to perfection. I have seen that transcendence is essentially empty to a spiritual being who has chosen a human experience. I looked into that abyss, and saw eagerly and with some bafflement that I was ready to be healed, be whole, just be.
Even though the wound is unfamiliar, the compulsion to escape into practice is one I know well. What exactly am I practicing for?
It´s like this: the Sanskrit word for illusion, maya, literally means ¨not that.¨ It´s a realization born out of confrontation with the nature of one´s own mind, a realization that all elements of human experience (mind, thoughts, sensations, ego identity, etc etc) cannot be identified as abolute truth. I have seen the blade cut itself, have pierced the veil most unexpectedly.
All that´s left now is to live the fullest, most compassionte life of service, love, surrender, and joy.
It came to me like a whisper. I see it now as an awakening.
I flow from here into the complete unknown.
I have embraced a ferocious discipline and spiritual asceticism, have gone through periods of almost militant practice routines, have pushed myself through resistance, through injury, through despair and isolation.
I have slowly learned to allow gentleness and love to creep into my practice. I have been shown the true healing potential of yoga and meditation, but for some bizarre reason have stubbornly refused to allow myself to enjoy the grace and acceptance of unconditional divine love. I have been ashamed of my all too human nature.
I have sought to pull back the curtain that veils my eye, to tap forcefully the currents of transcendant energy from which we all originate, to justify my fear of mortality through escape of the confines of my individual self. I wagered that as long as I could, in fact, make it out, then my fear would finally be irrelevant.
I have desperately craved a return to moments of blissful meditation, rapture, and pure mental absorption, equal to or beyond the experiences I have already been given. I have prioritized only one goal - to curate a trove of spiritual materialism.
And now, I have given up.
I have let go of this notion that attainment will lead to perfection. I have seen that transcendence is essentially empty to a spiritual being who has chosen a human experience. I looked into that abyss, and saw eagerly and with some bafflement that I was ready to be healed, be whole, just be.
Even though the wound is unfamiliar, the compulsion to escape into practice is one I know well. What exactly am I practicing for?
It´s like this: the Sanskrit word for illusion, maya, literally means ¨not that.¨ It´s a realization born out of confrontation with the nature of one´s own mind, a realization that all elements of human experience (mind, thoughts, sensations, ego identity, etc etc) cannot be identified as abolute truth. I have seen the blade cut itself, have pierced the veil most unexpectedly.
All that´s left now is to live the fullest, most compassionte life of service, love, surrender, and joy.
It came to me like a whisper. I see it now as an awakening.
I flow from here into the complete unknown.
Sunday, November 30, 2008
my heart
it's not me, but certainly one of the most
intimate and
essential parts of myself.
the one i cannot convince by force
of persuasion logic or necessity.
if my heart is the ocean,
then i'm in the boat without paddles or compass.
i wager my time by augury, for in the waves
i see the changes
as the ocean's temper turns.
and with every new turn,
the impossible door opens. looking upon miracles,
immovable witness, my humble bark surges forward.
intimate and
essential parts of myself.
the one i cannot convince by force
of persuasion logic or necessity.
if my heart is the ocean,
then i'm in the boat without paddles or compass.
i wager my time by augury, for in the waves
i see the changes
as the ocean's temper turns.
and with every new turn,
the impossible door opens. looking upon miracles,
immovable witness, my humble bark surges forward.
Monday, October 13, 2008
"...and best of all is surrender, which soon brings peace."
Prayer is the essential aspect that I have been missing in my practice. After all, what exactly am I practicing for? Without prayer, this practice is devoid of, outside, and separate from the divine; it's an ego echo chamber, a dark telescope, the devil's own chain. Again and again the shadow whispers poison, the ego self-aggrandizes, and the broken soul desperately longs for the next spiritual fix.
Prayer, as I have been learning, is more then just a place of communion with the divine, but instead the earnest quality of seeking that out. It's a place where surrender and love truly emerge, a cup overflowing with gratitude and grace. I've recently been discovering new qualities about grace, how grace is like a womb of love in which we are submerged. Being loved exactly as we are, regardless of mistakes, flaws, achievements, qualities, or skill. Completely unconditional. Completely constant.
So I'm playing this new edge where every practice becomes a prayer, a way to open up and recognize how grace surrounds me, guides me, and holds me. A way to step outside of my own mind and orient with something higher, brighter, and kinder than my own ego-projections. Maybe with practice I can remain mindful enough to dedicate all of my actions to the holy spirit, the immanent life-force, the compassionate, the terrible. What a blessing to behold!
Meditate on the Guide,
the Giver of all, the Primordial
Poet, smaller than an atom,
unthinkable, brilliant as the sun.
~Bhagavad Gita, 8.9
Prayer, as I have been learning, is more then just a place of communion with the divine, but instead the earnest quality of seeking that out. It's a place where surrender and love truly emerge, a cup overflowing with gratitude and grace. I've recently been discovering new qualities about grace, how grace is like a womb of love in which we are submerged. Being loved exactly as we are, regardless of mistakes, flaws, achievements, qualities, or skill. Completely unconditional. Completely constant.
So I'm playing this new edge where every practice becomes a prayer, a way to open up and recognize how grace surrounds me, guides me, and holds me. A way to step outside of my own mind and orient with something higher, brighter, and kinder than my own ego-projections. Maybe with practice I can remain mindful enough to dedicate all of my actions to the holy spirit, the immanent life-force, the compassionate, the terrible. What a blessing to behold!
Meditate on the Guide,
the Giver of all, the Primordial
Poet, smaller than an atom,
unthinkable, brilliant as the sun.
~Bhagavad Gita, 8.9
Thursday, October 2, 2008
I was stunned
[In the late 1970s, Rachel, a young girl of eleven, was kidnapped, raped, beaten and murdered. Ram Dass wrote the following letter to her parents...]
Dear Steve and Anita,
Rachel finished her work on earth, and left the stage in a manner that leaves those of us left behind with a cry of agony in our hearts, as the fragile thread of our faith is dealt with so violently. Is anyone strong enough to stay conscious through such teaching as you are receiving? Probably very few. And even they would only have a whisper of equanimity and peace amidst the screaming trumpets of their rage, grief, horror and desolation.
I can't assuage your pain with any words, nor should I. For your pain is Rachel's legacy to you. Not that she or I would inflict such pain by choice, but there it is. And it must burn its purifying way to completion. For something in you dies when you bear the unbearable, and it is only in that dark night of the soul that you are prepared to see as God sees, and to love as God loves.
Now is the time to let your grief find expression. No false strength. Now is the time to sit quietly and speak to Rachel, and thank her for being with you these few years, and encourage her to go on with whatever her work is, knowing that you will grow in compassion and wisdom from this experience. In my heart, I know that you and she will meet again and again, and recognize the many ways in which you have known each other. And when you meet you will know, in a flash, what now it is not given to you to know: Why this had to be the way it was.
Our rational minds can never understand what has happened, but our hearts – if we can keep them open to God – will find their own intuitive way. Rachel came through you to do her work on earth, which includes her manner of death. Now her soul is free, and the love that you can share with her is invulnerable to the winds of changing time and space. In that deep love, include me.
In love,
Ram Dass
Dear Steve and Anita,
Rachel finished her work on earth, and left the stage in a manner that leaves those of us left behind with a cry of agony in our hearts, as the fragile thread of our faith is dealt with so violently. Is anyone strong enough to stay conscious through such teaching as you are receiving? Probably very few. And even they would only have a whisper of equanimity and peace amidst the screaming trumpets of their rage, grief, horror and desolation.
I can't assuage your pain with any words, nor should I. For your pain is Rachel's legacy to you. Not that she or I would inflict such pain by choice, but there it is. And it must burn its purifying way to completion. For something in you dies when you bear the unbearable, and it is only in that dark night of the soul that you are prepared to see as God sees, and to love as God loves.
Now is the time to let your grief find expression. No false strength. Now is the time to sit quietly and speak to Rachel, and thank her for being with you these few years, and encourage her to go on with whatever her work is, knowing that you will grow in compassion and wisdom from this experience. In my heart, I know that you and she will meet again and again, and recognize the many ways in which you have known each other. And when you meet you will know, in a flash, what now it is not given to you to know: Why this had to be the way it was.
Our rational minds can never understand what has happened, but our hearts – if we can keep them open to God – will find their own intuitive way. Rachel came through you to do her work on earth, which includes her manner of death. Now her soul is free, and the love that you can share with her is invulnerable to the winds of changing time and space. In that deep love, include me.
In love,
Ram Dass
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