the body - posture & energy

A few nights ago I had an intensely painful headache, which I'm fairly certain was due to wearing contacts for the first time. I never usually wear my glasses all day long, so having contacts in the entire day was way more work than my eyes are used to. I took them out in the evening and took some ibuprofen, but once the pain ramped up it became so bad that all I could do was lie motionless with my eyes closed. The pain was considerable, probably the worst I've experienced in awhile. Quite nearly unbearable.

I have noticed generally that activating contractions and visualizing energy flow in painful areas of my body can help alleviate what I'm feeling. With indigestion, I can use the stomach lock (uddiyana bandha) and intentional abdominal breathing to reduce any pain and assist with the process of digestion. A lot happens in the 3rd chakra, but also in the 2nd. [In fact, I often notice a connection between indigestion and poor posture - sitting upright always makes it easier.]

And sometimes when I am ungrounded, it feels as if my breath is high in my chest and encroaching on my throat. I feel skittish, airy, and I yawn a lot. I can counter that with keeping my breath down (in the hara or tan tien) and a strong focus on mula bandha and the 1st chakra.

And sometimes I also feel pressure or pain in my head, which of course can happen for lots of different reasons. If drinking more water doesn't help, I have tried circulating energy along the microcosmic orbit, up from the shoulders, over the head, and down into the torso. It reminds me a lot of the stories about bad kundalini awakenings. The energy shoots up the spine but can't get out; the crown chakra is blocked. It's like having a knot in a fire hose, and drawing that much energy can damage the circuits, so to speak.

The pain from my headache was intense enough, I felt like I had to do something. So I drag my sorry butt over to the cushion and painfully sit upright. I start to circulate the orbit in 2-3 second steps. As I go through my head and down I feel slight releases in the pressure. As I come back up, right around my shoulders, I feel the pain surge intensely. I am getting nauseous from the pain, I feel like retching. I start to remember the massive knots in the muscles of my back, the cumulation of unspent emotion lodged and calcified in my tissues like smoldering clumps of rage. All the tension, fear, anger, and frustration I felt over the course of this year bottled up and carried like a badge.

So I try something that's been on my mind. It's not that I'm not aware of these emotions as they arise, even though sorting them out is sometimes very tricky. However by pushing them down I am denying them space to play out through my body. It's a simple formula. If I am sad, then weep. If I am frustrated, then rage or hit the bag. If I am scared, cry out. Not as some insipid call for drama, but in order to channel appropriately what I feel. To let my body work through what I have to work through, instead of locking it down and letting it accumulate.

I sit on my cushion, lamely circulating chi along the orbit, and I start to weep and cry. I call out for help, I ask for comfort, I ask for guidance. The tears are falling fast and heavy, hot halcyons of peace. I feel shuddering waves pass through my body. I manage no more than a few minutes of this before I crumple and head back for the bed. I wait there, eyes closed, until the waves subside.